real time with jacob

Communication Part 2 or I Lost Count

Telling your spouse that you want to hurt yourself or end your life is shitty. It’s scary. It’s a vulnerability that you don’t want to share. It’s the truth you don’t want to admit. There are most of the time a lot of tears involved, mostly on my part because of the guilt, shame, the feeling of failure. For every win, there is a smile. But for every loss in my head, there is dread and the feeling of loss.

No matter how good I might be doing. But one shitty day can drag me down to hell within seconds and I try to sort it out by myself, but at times it’s a battle that cannot be won by one person. So, when that moment happens, the moment of my defeat, I have to face the truth and speak. It’s petrifying because I don’t want her to be disappointed in me. I don’t want her to go, ‘oh, not again.’ But she never waivers.

I mean it’s ridiculous to some degree, my worry and fear because we have all these contingency plans in place but I am always terrified of that first response, that first reaction. Even today. I get this moment of hesitation. Because no matter how much I try to be nonchalant to my wife’s state, I know she gets affected by what I say and what I do. Her well-being matters to me.

That’s another loop that feeds on itself.

My well being >>> My wife’s well being

My wife’s well being >>> My well being

So, at times communication is hard but I got to get over it and be honest. Otherwise, what’s the alternative? Hurting myself? Ending my life? That might be worse than me speaking up. That is something I cannot bring myself to do. To hurt her like that without giving life a chance, a choice to at least consider help. Communication should win. Always. No matter how frightening and painful it may be. No matter how deflated and hopeless I might feel.

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