real time with jacob

My Apology

Why do I apologize so much, especially for my behaviour, my thoughts?



Fear of rejection.

I figure when I apologize, it softens the blow, reveals my humanity, and dissects my damage.

Guilt and anger are my primary drivers. Let me clarify. I don’t feel guilty and angry all the time. But they are emotions that tend to creep in when I feel the most vulnerable when my mental world tends to crack. It’s this nagging feeling. When I’m not my 100% healthy self and I cannot navigate through the fog, this insecurity, vulnerability creeps in, and with it come guilt and self-directed anger. Guilt for not being able to remain mentally stable. Anger for not being able to remain mentally stable. The truth is, it’s not like I can control much of it, and thus it’s not my fault but I cannot pass the fact that I am that way and I don’t like myself for it. Especially since I want to be well for my wife. I don’t want to burden her with my bad days. The fact is that I know that it’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to ride them through and all of it takes time. But when I’m in that moment losing, it’s like a switch goes off, and my mind cannot accept the fact that it’s okay. It just chews me. My mind chews me and spits these vulgar words that I am this useless, worthless piece of shit, and I don’t deserve love, kindness, patience, time.

Time also becomes a full occupation. Because I feel guilty for wasting time. My time. My wife’s time.

There is a lot to unload.

So, I tend to constantly apologize.

My wife used to answer with “It’s okay,” when I apologized. Now, she just lets me say it and then hugs me. No words but a kind hug. The apology has become this repetitive habit, like a tic that I need to release. Something that I cannot hold in because when I do not utter an apology, that self-restrictive matter makes me feel worse.

So, as my wife hugs me, I keep on muttering dozens of ‘I’m sorries,’ and she lets it be. And I don’t let go of her, not until my fear of rejection recedes and vanishes. Not until I feel okay about myself until I feel that it’s okay to have a bad day.

Patience and time. That’s what I’m left with. Then, everything goes back to something normal, ordinary.

I like it like that. Ordinary and calm. Because that is when I don’t feel guilt, shame, anger, and fear. That is the time when I’m back to floating not drowning.

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