real time with jacob


It’s all about worry, worry, worry. Why do I worry? How do I worry? What type of worry do I have? And many more to answer. But, that’s not what this entry is about. This entry is simply an indication that I constantly worry.

I hate when the good momentum ends. Few good days and then I feel like shit and as if it’s the end. I cannot dig myself out of the darkness and crawl back up to the light. Why can I not appreciate the few good days that I just had? Why do I so easily break and lose hope when it all crumbles down?

That’s the consistency of my life. Good. Good. Bad. Good. Good. Bad. Waiting out the bad. Praying that the next morning will be a better restart. The mental manifests into physical illness and my gut twists and hurts. My muscles and bones ache. I feel like vomiting. At times I do throw up and then I feel worse. Because on top of feeling achy, now I also feel hungry. And that angers me. Because what’s the point of eating if I will just vomit all up. What a waste of energy and food. Weirdly, at times I have this push-pull tug o’ war with food. But lately, I have been enjoying my meals less.

My head feels out of control, messy. I am not sure if I’m low or high but definitely unsteady and irritated. I hate feeling physically sick because it packs onto my mental health, triggering anxiety and depression. Yet, it’s my erratic mental state that makes me physically ill in the first place. Do you see the cycle?

Mental Health >>> Physical Health

Physical Health >>> Mental Health

One influences the other.

How do I break this desperation and pain?

  • Breathe.
  • Take a Bath.
  • Listen to Music.
  • Silence the Room.
  • Paint.
  • Paint with Colours and Words.
  • Paint with a Brush and a Pen.

Worry. Worry. Worry.

Let me close my eyes and listen to my lungs. Breathe In. Breathe Out. Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Have a good night.

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