personal blog: simon

torment. this is going to be another sleepless night. the deprecating thoughts always invade at nightfall as my father’s voice emerges from its shelter, adding to the assault. creeping out. how much I try to bury him but he always manages to dig himself out.

‘be patient… stand up straight… be brave… don’t cower… be obedient…’ the unaltered circuit of an onslaught of directives, the hurricane that comes in waves. every word, I wish I could scrub out from my skin.

the stench of cigarettes lingers in my memory, with every dictated advice punctuated with exclamation; and the sound of heavy boots dragged against the grain of a tired man making his way home. obedience and do not cower. that’s the ones that always stick out for me as if they go hand-in-hand. obedience to conform to normal life, no different from my compliance to keep peace whether it makes me happy or not… and then do not cower. but it wasn’t just not to cower when standing up to a bully. it was as well not to cower when you are required to be obedient. discipline equalled a performance contract that had to be met. all joy was shaken out of me in my childhood; but I still had hope for love. the hopeless romantic… until I started dating… and that notion got jabbed out of me pretty quick.

but there was… is… always Jacob.

the fluorescent lights in the school cafeteria didn’t make neither Jacob and Owen look good besides the fight that erupted between them. Jacob’s fist came down first to Owen’s side, the brute that lived with us at the group home… and he deserved every beating or at least an attempt at one. then a yank on Owen’s shirt, pulling him off me. as Jacob was ready to pounce with another strike, but he ceased his throw midair.

“hey! break it up!” one of the teachers swept in, as if to the rescue, more to disband the crowd, then sent all three of us to the principle’s office. Jacob and Owen, second strike and this time it meant suspension. I, however, got spared. teachers just felt bad for me and let me skate. but Jacob and Owen, they were mostly at it and mostly is was due because of me… and as such, leaving the office, Owen had to have another jab, shoving Jacob to the door-frame. Jacob without hesitation returned the favour, unafraid of Owen’s wrath and stature, and no matter the half a head size difference between them.

Jacob would do such things, throw himself to the midst of danger, mostly because of me. he didn’t much care for himself.

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