return to letters to death

death, you have come to walk behind me
as you trot to my regard
i feel your presence
a bit taunting but might as well
you are here to stay
the part of my life

death, you have come to walk beside me
you have caught on to my step
please, welcome me to your gutter
i know
you have been waiting for my deposit

© 2019

at times pain overwhelms you. you are at the end losing. you have lost.


‘i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.’ i grimace through these words. ‘i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.’ the thought trickles like a nuisance with its lyrical tune. let’s all sing it. ‘i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.’ repeat it. eat it. indulge yourself with it. ‘i want to die. i want to die.’ it is musical. it is comical. it is my smirk. ‘i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.’ and then it becomes my pledge as a superman with his curse. i please my pleas to hang my thoughts. ‘i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die.’ it is my life; but, today i hang myself with this echo, on this rod, in this room, and at this moment. i have vouched to my reality. ‘i want to die.’


i scrape the skin from my flesh
the bloody knife resting at my vein
i am distant to cope with the sting
mystified and paralyzed by my harms
vulgar words fall from my mind
i scream to help you understand
the reasons and concepts to hang myself
in thrust of shame that i’ve endured
i penetrate my throat to mute
i stab my brain to erase
your touch of sins and all the claims
i strangle on the rope of your pursuits
doubting every motion of my curve
you let me know of all my flaws
you tell me criticism of how i’ve failed
my arms chopped off so i cannot bend
inflexible to appreciate
my heart untouched by your hate
i stop for you to comprehend
the honesty of choices that i declare
welcome to the needs of death
my feet have nothing else to dance
so i tear them away from my limbs
dehumanize my body to extinct
sleep and decapitate in my dreams
i have nothing to forfeit
more that i have nothing to gain
the loss of me, you will escape
i gorge my eyes to blind my day
from all the horrid of dismay
the things i saw i will not dare
to paste an image of their dreads
the beasts i walked among have thread
the treacheries to kill ourselves
the selfish gulp of my intestines
have rashly fallen under your spell
to be the same in all your churches
for one’s own profits steeling from the sane
i burn my hair one by one
prolonging my final attempt
condemn and enslave all the living
to cease the moment and forget
diminish all your hopes and cares
someday you will rest without much a stare
insecure in your own tomb with regrets
regardless of your past path dues
the destination is all the same
thus, might as well end your precious
with what was given for you as a pay
not free but taken
with a slash of your own mistake
unshared by your youth, by your breath
i open the door for you to pass
the weapon of my ailing fear
and with darkness there is nothing else
than empty space
stomped and stamped by
the temptress to ill
poisonous and lethal
it’s fragmenting your lungs
enough and at last we call for it


one dosage of reality and i’ve crumbled down to my knees

self-pity is what in return makes me smile: happy

the sickness to my stomach is a fault of the truth that i have to be medicated for the rest of my life in order to lead a normal life and still wouldn’t be considered normal

my confirmation to end is set and all voices will become shut

the torment of my affliction is indescribable to the view of my appearance

i dissolute in the valley of hell, to cry the whispers no one will hear

no longer, i will lie in the pit of my plague, nor inflict pain onto myself, nor bring grief to everyone else

i inject a serum for my sanity to sedate my immortalities, and empty the compartment of pills until the effect of the poison will warm my body

i don’t have to wait long for the prelude to beat me down, as i linger dim today

thus, i’ll just vanish without a trace of my existence, and the world will still go on irrelevant to my death

to be at your ends. the end of the game. press the ‘x’. fold. when you can’t bear no longer.


to kill myself would be an outcome of my minuscule taste of happiness and vast agony of disappointment. since i only have grown an inch in my understanding of life’s defeat, i truly have gained nothing to share but that i’m still here, living empty

‘letters to death’ is a collection of poems i wrote at different intervals of my life at the point when i felt at the brink of desperation. brink of the end.


where we grow
what we do
where we fall
i will remember this
behind your eyes
stood a man, wise
with his cocky smile
he shook the hands
so bound
to his conquest
trivial and pursued
all who knew him
always applaud
at his values
he never gave up

where we grow
what we do
where we fall
you lie in your casket tonight
almost all gone
vanishing bit by bit
infected with doubt
screaming and crying
all who have applauded
by tomorrow
you will be dust
your somber sleep
so quite, so small, so sad


never forgotten
through the difficult times of our illness
partners with courage; strength
in fight for a cure
to our noble and vigorous
yet relentless minds

in memory of ziggy (zigmund kristöffer schultz)