.an entry from my journal at the time of my desperation, where i had an argument with my therapist about the relevance of God, deity, in my life, and the states below is what i argued .i mean i was already stuck in my head, flooded with inconsistent voices .i believed i created them, and the disorganization was a simple malfunction
.actual journal entry
Journal Entry 00.0327
What is God?
Self-consciousness cannot exist in isolation. Self-consciousness of an individual requires an object from which to compare itself to and differentiate itself from. I can only become aware of myself if I am also aware of something that is not myself. Thus, even in physical isolation or separation from humanity, I create an object; I define a mutual self to regard me in order to be recognized, in order to understand myself. I look into a mirror, only to ask myself, “Who am I?” And I sit in an empty room and wonder. At any detached point I become aware of my consciousness and I see my reflection in the mirror. Who defines me? By being secluded in that room, in order to define myself, I talk to myself. At times I create characters in my mind to portray my personalities or play a role I have never thought of embarking. Why do I have to pretend there is another person, another consciousness, who answers or just simply listens? If I am able to form these objects or characters in isolation in my mind in order to satisfy my self-consciousness, how far am I then from creating God?
Could it be a self-reflection?
First of all, it is easier to separate reality when I pretend that someone else holds the truth about me. The other, it brings me comfort and peace that someone else is listening and silently answers, devotes and helps. But all in all, it is all in my mind. I am having a discussion with myself. I am looking within myself.
In summation (6, 63)
In philosophy, defined by Hegel, God is an ultimate self-consciousness that is only accessible through belief. God is a projection of human idea, but what is fascinating is what an individual doesn’t realize is that spiritual qualities of God which it worships are qualities of its own self. So, an individual projects itself out of reach, making real world seem miserable and insignificant.
In short, what we believe of God is really true of ourselves. It is a projection of a human part that we believe is unreachable.
.after my therapist read this log, he simply grunted “.hm” .that wasn’t even my assignment that week .i think i just needed something or someone to blame rather than accept the eternal voice as my guidance .after all, i was desperate
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