Spells

I’ve been having feverish spells lately. The spells to burn everything to the ground. Okay. I’m exaggerating a little. It’s more of a deconstruction of my foundation. Deconstruction of self. I am in this constant mood to let the yolk ooze onto the page and scrabble it. Let the chaos engulf me. I don’t want to sweep it under the rug. Rather, I prefer to take that chaos and start clearing it out. Three boxes: Keep, Toss, Donate. Hahaha. Not sure how to donate a piece of myself, but maybe I’ll figure it out. In the end, I want to take the chaos, walk through it, and sort it out.

At the moment I feel torn between two worlds. The rational, sensible, and financially stable one. Then there is the world of creativity, independence, and entrepreneurship. I’m leaning toward the instability. I‘m leaning toward the unknown. For most of my life, I decided to have stability and safety. Now, I want to rip that mentality out of my head and be adventurous. Explore parts of life that I haven’t explored yet.

An article I recently read pretty much solidified what I believe. We all die (obviously). Death is not the part I needed convincing of. The belief is what we choose to do before we die. The path we are on before we die. Lately, that has been resonating with me more and more. The path I want to choose is that of newness and fear. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and immersing in something completely different from the logical, and predictable to doing something that frightens me to the core.

That’s my current mission. Be on a path that I’ll be okay dying on.

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I promise this is the last episode of venting for today. Tomorrow back to regular programming. 🙂