When Did I Forget About Patience?

It’s strange but I used to be a person who did not mind sitting still and being in a moment (while waiting for something or simply sitting outdoors). I caught myself yesterday sitting outside yet not participating in being in the present or watching the things around me. My mind was all over the map. Jumping from one thought to another. Jumping from thinking about working on one task to another. Planning in my head all the things I need to get done and all the things I should be doing. And worst of all, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to be doing something rather than sitting and doing nothing. That’s when I asked myself why sitting and doing nothing is such a bad thing. And it’s not, I just made it to be. I forgot about patience and appreciating the stillness and the moment.

So, I started asking myself. When did I lose this ability to appreciate the simple things? When did I become one of those people rushing off to the next thing? I don’t like that I’m one of those people now. I don’t like who I have become.

I think I pinpointed where it has all started changing for me.

I started a new job about a decade ago and at this company the expectations were always high, it was always a go-go mode, always promoting this idea that if you have potential or skills, you should always demonstrate them. But then at what cost? There was no reward at the end. There was no more pay for me for pushing myself to the limit. There was no promotion. There was no appreciation or recognition. Because the way the system worked at this company was not how you performed but who you knew. Less skilled people got promoted just because the boss liked them more, just because they were the ‘yes’ person for that boss. However, this mentality for the others was built that to be successful you had to be always working and working harder. And that is who I became, a machine constantly working, taking little breaks. I was reprogrammed.

The other factor contributing to my demise is our society. We are constantly bombarded with ideas about what we should be doing next, that we should be constantly chasing something, succeeding at something. Motivational speakers, life couches, all of that have become another platform to make us hate the moment we are in. Simplicity has become underrated. A chase has become a habit.

Lastly, I think in the current times, we have been so reprogrammed to believe that there is a constant doom looming. That we need to be prepared for a disaster. And to be prepared for any disaster is that we need to be doing something, constantly doing something. Doing anything is better than sitting and doing nothing.

All these manifestations, I am sad to admit have broken me. That is what has made me a person who has forgotten about patience and being in a moment. Being present and forgetting about the next thing. I need to remind myself to sit in a moment and appreciate the things I have and there is plenty to appreciate. I need to remind myself to stop running, to stop chasing. Reward myself by noticing the beauty around me and to do so, I need to be still, clear my mind, and do nothing. Otherwise, it’s all a mess, a disaster looming, a fleeting idea.