real time with jacob


After rereading some of my entries, I write myself as being on a rollercoaster. One moment, I’m stable, collected, sensible, and happy to a point. The other moment, I am self-loathing, confused, and dismal. Truth is, that’s pretty much my life. The randomness. The inconsistency. It is, however, not as bad as it sounds. At least not as of lately. The extremes are gone. I don’t want to throw myself against the wall one second and then curl against the same wall and cry incessantly the next second. My emotions and thoughts are manageable and pretty much on a flat straight line. Not impulsive. I can gather my thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, reel them before they scatter and heighten. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I put something in writing, it is that heighten thought or feeling before I calm myself and not overreact. My thoughts are definitely more scattered than my reactions, behaviour. So, on the outside, I may appear that I am collected but inside I might be promptly dashing through a thousand feelings and thoughts or one extremely terrifying and painful feeling or thought. It’s not just about the execution and behaviour, it’s mostly about feelings and thoughts and the ability to lessen their blow. As well, I don’t mean that it takes seconds for me to hurry through my thoughts and feelings and organize them all oh so neatly. I might be stuck in my head sorting for a while but I do so with patience, faith, and acceptance that that is my process and I just have to work through it.

That was a mouthful to expel. But, here I am saying, take a moment and breathe. Never forget to inhale, count to three, exhale, count to three, stay mindful, and repeat.

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